It's ok to be normal

I have exposure to a lot of children with Autism. One of the common misconceptions I am faced with as a therapist, as well as a parent is the ability to accept our children as normal...when they have behaviors that are developmentally appropriate for their age. For instance...when my son learned to lie, I found myself a bit discouraged. His psychiatrist however was pumped...LYING?!? He responded...that's great. What a high level behavior he has developed! I can say for a fact that I wasn't very excited. Now that my son is well on his way to being mid way through his teens, I find myself faced with this dilemma again. I am grateful that I have some friends that are honest enough with me to say...you know a bit of mockery, taunting and teasing is, uh, well, let's just say it's really normal for adolescent boys. I keep telling myself I should appreciate this trait yet I seem to struggle to do so. I also struggle with the awareness about the opposite sex. I am the first to admit that I am HIGHLY overprotective of my boy. Just ask my husband...he tends to point it out, even if you don't ask. But, once again...the comments about, well, let's just say 'hot chicks' I just don't appreciate. I do appreciate however, that he continues to develop and excel and exceed my wildest expectations...and for this little bit of normal, I am forever grateful.

Non stop Aspie Chatter...

My son attends a group for Aspie teens...mostly boys of course...and a whole lot of chatter. Aspie's lack theory of mind you know...meaning...they don't really understand what you think, nor do most of them care. This is the true situation in particular for two boys in my son's group. One of these boys is my son...last week, these two were chatting endlessly...so much so that one of the other boys asked how I tolerated it. I told him that I carry earplugs with me at all times, and that makes it better. Anyway...we sometime have NT (neurotypical) kids come in to give the other kids some experience with boy/girl relationships. So...as group was going on I was explaining how conversations have a bit of give and take...especially when trying to interest someone of the opposite sex: You talk and you listen...and you talk and you listen...while I was explaining this...my son talked nonstop :) I explained how when you talk to someone on facebook, you post, then you wait for a response, then you post and you wait, etc. etc...really, I got nothin but blank stares...back to the drawing board on that one!

The boy and his new toy

The infamous Mimim (That's uncle Tim for you unrelated types) purchased the boy a new toy...a new top o the line remote control car. Of course he bought himself one...I mean really what fun is a remote control car if there isn't someone to play with. Tonight it appears it is the read the directions, charge the batteries, smell all the packaging event. I believe tomorrow will be the run the wheels off the car day...more on that later...charging the battery seems to be quite the involved task. I sure hope driving the car is easier. What do you think...will driving the remote control car help with the actual driving? I can only hope!

Driver's Ed and other adventures...

The boy started driver's ed. It was quite quite quite stressful for the mama. The boy is quite quite quite enjoying it. I was especially concerned since when I asked the instructor if he had taught students with autism before his reponse was...I think so. What? You think so?!? You'd know so! So I dropped him off with a lot of worries. He walked up the sidewalk saying...I'm not really sure I need to drive, you could just take me where I need to go and we could just go back home. I put on my bravest face and encouraged him to not talk...and be a good listener. Much to my delight...he's really enjoying himself. He likes his instructor and the kids in the class...and he passed his test for his permit! I just have to find a few minutes to take him to the DMV to pick it up!

Making a friend sounds easy, right?

For the majority of us...making a friend isn't something that we think about. It just naturally happens. We might seek out a person who we would like to be friends with, but the introduction, eye contact, and conversation flows freely. We know how to start the conversation and end the conversation. We know how to make arrangements to get together in the future...to continue our friendship. We don't have a checklist to accomplish this, or even a mental list in our minds. It just happens.

This is not so with Aspie's. For most Aspie's friendship during the elementary years doesn't usually happen because of behaviors that most typical children don't appreciate. As kids grow older, it becomes ok to be different (but not too different) and of course when college rolls around, the more different you are the better! My son, being 14, is wanting to have some social outings...to have friends over, to go out and do things with friends, and he especially wants to find people with the same interests. We have been working with him...first step one...learning the importance of knowing peoples names, which includes asking them their name and then remembering it. This can be a challenge. It usually take a few times of hanging out with a friend before my son remembers their name. Secondly, there is a give and take in conversation. That means Brennan not only has to talk, but listen, and take turns in conversation. This can be especially difficult if he's excited or talking about a favorite topic. Mostly, he wants to talk...not listen. Then there's the problem...how do I hang out with this kid...this has been our most challenging topic. I encourage Brennan to get phone numbers, but he's very uncomfortable asking...even kids he knows well. We had set a goal to get one phone number a week, so that when Brennan wants to do something, he has a list of friends he can call. First, he would have to remember his cell phone so he can enter the phone number! (We realized we put the cart before the horse here and now are working toward remembering to take the phone with him!) Once these tasks are done...there is the ending of the conversation, which can and has been awkward at best. Saying "well, bye" in the middle of someone else's sentence just doesn't work for establishing friendships...so...during the upcoming weeks...we have determined the sequence

*take the phone with you when you want to make friends
*introduce yourself, ask and work to remember the other person's name
*if this turns out to be someone you could be friends with, ask them if they'd like to hang out and if so get their phone number
*listen carefully during conversations and when it seems like there is nothing left to say...tell your friend it's time for you to go and you'll talk to or see them later. Wait for a response
*Make plans with Mom and Dad first...and then call the friend to see if they can and want to participate

So...therein lies the challenge...things that come naturally for us....that we do everyday, often times must be broken down into manageable steps that typically need verbal prompts to be completed.

Do Not, I repeat Do Not, lose faith...

I had the joyous opportunity to attend my son's IEP last week complete with his triannual evaluation. My former visits to his IEP meetings often involved skipping life the rest of the day and stopping for ice cream on my way to the skipping.

This year...was quite different...the comments from his teachers were amazing...curious, eager learner, wonderful to have in class...really...it's all paying off? Amazing.

This year since he is 14 we also began to develop his transition plan to adult life, including college. (gasp!) College? My same boy that didn't know his ABC's at the end of kindergarten who is now reading at grade level? Included in his college plan is DeVry or ITT Tech...how cool is that?

Here's the point of this post...when I had a child living in my house that was less than pleasant to say the least, inflexible, tantruming, whining, hitting, putting holes in the door, and on and on it goes, when my relatives were saying positive things to me like, he just really needs a good spanking, or I hope he likes jail when he grows up...(honest these things were said to me) it might have been easy for me to lose the faith. When I was paying $5000 a year for my copayments for his therapy, $6000 a year for private school and running him from this therapy to another...I really wasn't sure it was all going to be worth it. What I did know was I had to do anything and everything I could to save my child, to help my child develop every possible talent and skill he had, no matter what the cost or the sacrifice. God had entrusted this special being to me and it was my responsibility to see to it that he succeed and find his spot in life. It was not easy to say the least, there were many days I was on auto pilot...unable to take a clear look at the condition that was my life...but today...I know it was important for me to not lose faith, faith in me, or faith in him. And yes...it was hard, and yes, it still is some days...but the biggest yes of all, is that it is worth it.

I am sorry for the neglect...

It has been a crazy tumultuous transition point in life for me. Good thing I don't have autism or I may not be faring so well.

My boy is in the process of transitioning to High School...choosing classes, having his every 3 year Special Ed re-evaluation and also just had his 9th grade physical. Of course he had to get shots which he really doesn't appreciate and hasn't appreciated throughout his life :) When he got his shots this year, and he was balking and squirming and trying hard no to cooperate I was taken back to a time when he was much younger.

Before he went for his kindergarten physical I warned him of the upcoming shots and of course since he was excited about going to school I told him that you have to get your shots if you want to go to big boy school. And so he went. I also promised him that when he was done he could go to Kmart and pick out a toy to ease the pain. (Bribery worked well for me a few times when I had 3 young children). Anyway, Brennan got through his shots and was off to kindergarten. It took him about 2 days and one seat work assignment to realize that kindergarten was not for him. When he exceeded his frustration tolerance, which was most days, he just crumpled up the paper and threw it away. That seemed a viable solution for the boy. Anyway...the point of this story is...one day I distinctly recall driving him home from Kindergarten when he had a particularly difficult day. I remember him looking at me with those big green eyes and saying, "See Mom, I told you I shouldn't have gotten those shots."

To translate for families that don't relate to the literalism that Autism brings...

Since I told Brennan he had to have the shots if he wanted to go to school...his mind translated that to mean if he didn't get shots, he wouldn't have to go. So, he was convinced no shots...no school...all would have been well.