It's ok to be normal

I have exposure to a lot of children with Autism. One of the common misconceptions I am faced with as a therapist, as well as a parent is the ability to accept our children as normal...when they have behaviors that are developmentally appropriate for their age. For instance...when my son learned to lie, I found myself a bit discouraged. His psychiatrist however was pumped...LYING?!? He responded...that's great. What a high level behavior he has developed! I can say for a fact that I wasn't very excited. Now that my son is well on his way to being mid way through his teens, I find myself faced with this dilemma again. I am grateful that I have some friends that are honest enough with me to say...you know a bit of mockery, taunting and teasing is, uh, well, let's just say it's really normal for adolescent boys. I keep telling myself I should appreciate this trait yet I seem to struggle to do so. I also struggle with the awareness about the opposite sex. I am the first to admit that I am HIGHLY overprotective of my boy. Just ask my husband...he tends to point it out, even if you don't ask. But, once again...the comments about, well, let's just say 'hot chicks' I just don't appreciate. I do appreciate however, that he continues to develop and excel and exceed my wildest expectations...and for this little bit of normal, I am forever grateful.

Non stop Aspie Chatter...

My son attends a group for Aspie teens...mostly boys of course...and a whole lot of chatter. Aspie's lack theory of mind you know...meaning...they don't really understand what you think, nor do most of them care. This is the true situation in particular for two boys in my son's group. One of these boys is my son...last week, these two were chatting endlessly...so much so that one of the other boys asked how I tolerated it. I told him that I carry earplugs with me at all times, and that makes it better. Anyway...we sometime have NT (neurotypical) kids come in to give the other kids some experience with boy/girl relationships. So...as group was going on I was explaining how conversations have a bit of give and take...especially when trying to interest someone of the opposite sex: You talk and you listen...and you talk and you listen...while I was explaining this...my son talked nonstop :) I explained how when you talk to someone on facebook, you post, then you wait for a response, then you post and you wait, etc. etc...really, I got nothin but blank stares...back to the drawing board on that one!

The boy and his new toy

The infamous Mimim (That's uncle Tim for you unrelated types) purchased the boy a new toy...a new top o the line remote control car. Of course he bought himself one...I mean really what fun is a remote control car if there isn't someone to play with. Tonight it appears it is the read the directions, charge the batteries, smell all the packaging event. I believe tomorrow will be the run the wheels off the car day...more on that later...charging the battery seems to be quite the involved task. I sure hope driving the car is easier. What do you think...will driving the remote control car help with the actual driving? I can only hope!

Driver's Ed and other adventures...

The boy started driver's ed. It was quite quite quite stressful for the mama. The boy is quite quite quite enjoying it. I was especially concerned since when I asked the instructor if he had taught students with autism before his reponse was...I think so. What? You think so?!? You'd know so! So I dropped him off with a lot of worries. He walked up the sidewalk saying...I'm not really sure I need to drive, you could just take me where I need to go and we could just go back home. I put on my bravest face and encouraged him to not talk...and be a good listener. Much to my delight...he's really enjoying himself. He likes his instructor and the kids in the class...and he passed his test for his permit! I just have to find a few minutes to take him to the DMV to pick it up!

Making a friend sounds easy, right?

For the majority of us...making a friend isn't something that we think about. It just naturally happens. We might seek out a person who we would like to be friends with, but the introduction, eye contact, and conversation flows freely. We know how to start the conversation and end the conversation. We know how to make arrangements to get together in the future...to continue our friendship. We don't have a checklist to accomplish this, or even a mental list in our minds. It just happens.

This is not so with Aspie's. For most Aspie's friendship during the elementary years doesn't usually happen because of behaviors that most typical children don't appreciate. As kids grow older, it becomes ok to be different (but not too different) and of course when college rolls around, the more different you are the better! My son, being 14, is wanting to have some social outings...to have friends over, to go out and do things with friends, and he especially wants to find people with the same interests. We have been working with him...first step one...learning the importance of knowing peoples names, which includes asking them their name and then remembering it. This can be a challenge. It usually take a few times of hanging out with a friend before my son remembers their name. Secondly, there is a give and take in conversation. That means Brennan not only has to talk, but listen, and take turns in conversation. This can be especially difficult if he's excited or talking about a favorite topic. Mostly, he wants to talk...not listen. Then there's the problem...how do I hang out with this kid...this has been our most challenging topic. I encourage Brennan to get phone numbers, but he's very uncomfortable asking...even kids he knows well. We had set a goal to get one phone number a week, so that when Brennan wants to do something, he has a list of friends he can call. First, he would have to remember his cell phone so he can enter the phone number! (We realized we put the cart before the horse here and now are working toward remembering to take the phone with him!) Once these tasks are done...there is the ending of the conversation, which can and has been awkward at best. Saying "well, bye" in the middle of someone else's sentence just doesn't work for establishing friendships...so...during the upcoming weeks...we have determined the sequence

*take the phone with you when you want to make friends
*introduce yourself, ask and work to remember the other person's name
*if this turns out to be someone you could be friends with, ask them if they'd like to hang out and if so get their phone number
*listen carefully during conversations and when it seems like there is nothing left to say...tell your friend it's time for you to go and you'll talk to or see them later. Wait for a response
*Make plans with Mom and Dad first...and then call the friend to see if they can and want to participate

So...therein lies the challenge...things that come naturally for us....that we do everyday, often times must be broken down into manageable steps that typically need verbal prompts to be completed.

Do Not, I repeat Do Not, lose faith...

I had the joyous opportunity to attend my son's IEP last week complete with his triannual evaluation. My former visits to his IEP meetings often involved skipping life the rest of the day and stopping for ice cream on my way to the skipping.

This year...was quite different...the comments from his teachers were amazing...curious, eager learner, wonderful to have in class...really...it's all paying off? Amazing.

This year since he is 14 we also began to develop his transition plan to adult life, including college. (gasp!) College? My same boy that didn't know his ABC's at the end of kindergarten who is now reading at grade level? Included in his college plan is DeVry or ITT Tech...how cool is that?

Here's the point of this post...when I had a child living in my house that was less than pleasant to say the least, inflexible, tantruming, whining, hitting, putting holes in the door, and on and on it goes, when my relatives were saying positive things to me like, he just really needs a good spanking, or I hope he likes jail when he grows up...(honest these things were said to me) it might have been easy for me to lose the faith. When I was paying $5000 a year for my copayments for his therapy, $6000 a year for private school and running him from this therapy to another...I really wasn't sure it was all going to be worth it. What I did know was I had to do anything and everything I could to save my child, to help my child develop every possible talent and skill he had, no matter what the cost or the sacrifice. God had entrusted this special being to me and it was my responsibility to see to it that he succeed and find his spot in life. It was not easy to say the least, there were many days I was on auto pilot...unable to take a clear look at the condition that was my life...but today...I know it was important for me to not lose faith, faith in me, or faith in him. And yes...it was hard, and yes, it still is some days...but the biggest yes of all, is that it is worth it.

I am sorry for the neglect...

It has been a crazy tumultuous transition point in life for me. Good thing I don't have autism or I may not be faring so well.

My boy is in the process of transitioning to High School...choosing classes, having his every 3 year Special Ed re-evaluation and also just had his 9th grade physical. Of course he had to get shots which he really doesn't appreciate and hasn't appreciated throughout his life :) When he got his shots this year, and he was balking and squirming and trying hard no to cooperate I was taken back to a time when he was much younger.

Before he went for his kindergarten physical I warned him of the upcoming shots and of course since he was excited about going to school I told him that you have to get your shots if you want to go to big boy school. And so he went. I also promised him that when he was done he could go to Kmart and pick out a toy to ease the pain. (Bribery worked well for me a few times when I had 3 young children). Anyway, Brennan got through his shots and was off to kindergarten. It took him about 2 days and one seat work assignment to realize that kindergarten was not for him. When he exceeded his frustration tolerance, which was most days, he just crumpled up the paper and threw it away. That seemed a viable solution for the boy. Anyway...the point of this story is...one day I distinctly recall driving him home from Kindergarten when he had a particularly difficult day. I remember him looking at me with those big green eyes and saying, "See Mom, I told you I shouldn't have gotten those shots."

To translate for families that don't relate to the literalism that Autism brings...

Since I told Brennan he had to have the shots if he wanted to go to school...his mind translated that to mean if he didn't get shots, he wouldn't have to go. So, he was convinced no shots...no school...all would have been well.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

The other night I asked my son if he had homework, to which he replied, nope I just have a paper for you to sign. I told him to go get it so we didn't forget about it. He brought me the bright red paper to sign which proceeded to say..."Your child ... has 1 missing homework assignment...the noun book." "Hmmm...Brennan, is there some homework you should be doing, because it says here that you have a missing noun book." "Oh yeah, that...that's in my backpack." "Is it done?" "Nope, but I'll do it right now." "Yes, my son...good idea."

The Normal Among Us

I wish I had a video camera...I wish I could capture it in my memory and keep it there forever. Last night my son started his latest playgroup to continue building his social skills. From the minute I mentioned it to him he was so excited. I had no doubt it would go well. As I sat beside him in the waiting room, the other Aspie teenagers began to come in. My boy looked at me everytime he saw a similarity. "Hey Mom! I know what they're talking about. Hey Mom, they all have their SP's with them. Hey Mom, they like Pokemon!" I was immediately pleased in the fact that my son sat in a room of 9 teenagers and looked completely and utterly normal. 8 handsome young men and 1 young lady all with nothing to lose: Talking, laughing, playing and catching up, painfully aware of how different they can be. I encouraged my son to go talk to them. "Na...I'll wait." was the reply. Finally the therapist came in and encouraged the group to introduce themselves to my son. They all stood up, shook hands, practiced making eye contact and introduced themselves. They were off for the best hour of fun I believe my son may have ever had. There were no put downs, there was no ridicule, there was no bullying...it was totally safe, totally fun, and totally wonderful. If I think about it too much, it'll probably bring me to tears. After the group I asked him if he liked it? "Liked it?!? Of course! When can I come back?" We talked about how if felt to be among a large group of kids that were just like him...to which he replied...it was scary at first because I don't like that introducing stuff, but then it was really fun. Bless his heart! I saw a lot of hope for my boy last night. I met a lot of super great kids...loving, funny, energetic, smart, unsure, determined great kids...determined to be normal among us.

Organizational Challenges...

The typical Aspie has a hard time with organization. I for one do not have Asperger's and definitely have a hard time with organization...this does not bode well for my son. I truly wish I had a picture of the state of his trapper keeper yesterday. Even though most school ban trapper keepers due to their size and the fact that they don't fit well into desks (for younger children) I have found the trapper keeper to be a lifesaver for my son...except for this time. I pulled up the missing assignment log yesterday on the computer (lets just note that I love that this is available) -- now mind you, my son consistently tells me his homework is done---NOT! Anyway, yesterday I took a gander into his tk where I found, um let me see, it had to have been about 40 incomplete assignments. Now what amazes me here is that he has A's and B's in all of his classes except one...so...if these assignments were all done...would he then have straight A's? I think so! Anyway...last night...we sat and completed about half of the work. The quarter ends tomorrow and so tonight...on my birthday :) we will sit and complete the rest of his missing work.

The frustrating part of this is the fact that all of his teachers have been notified to please contact me the second he gets behind (since this is a pretty well established pattern for him...) and sadly...no one contacted me. So...he's on his way to being caught up. The next challenge was explaining to his father the challenges that Aspie's have with organization and yelling doesn't really solve the whole Autism thing ;)

Brennan starts his adolescent social skills group next week...I am looking forward to a few more advances for him in that area...but that's a story for another day...

Until next time...

The regular cycle...

Although my sonshine overall is doing amazingly well in school this year...he is beginning to 'cycle'. What that means is the novelty of school has worn off and the missing assignments have begun. So have his bestworst attempts at lying. Aspie's don't lie well, if at all.

It all started when he told me that he hates his resource teacher, which translates into...she keeps after me to do that darn work and won't let me get away with not doing it... Being the somewhat 'know my son pretty well mama' I said to him..."Sounds like your teacher is holding you accountable...that's when you usually start disliking them." No, that's not it...he assured me...she's just mean and I don't like her! So I treked my way to parent teacher conferences and stopped in to see the mean mean resource teacher. I began, "My son tells me he dislikes you...which translates to me that you are holding him accountable and making him do his work...is that the case?" "Why yes it is...yes it is actually." AHA!! Just as I suspected...(add a little Get Smart music here for atmosphere)

I headed home to assure my son that this teacher along with his mama have his best interests at heart and he really needs to suck it up and get his work done. He was less than pleased but accepting. Can't ask for more than that...

Ohhhhhhh the negativity!

Sunday was one of those days...I hate this, I hate that, I hate you, are we done yet? are we there yet? are we home yet?

Aspie's can be notoriously negative. On Sunday my sonshine took the main prize. I did manage to get through it by finally saying...if I hear I hate....one more time you will spend next weekend at home. Nuf said... no more I hates. Except for swimming. He still hates that.

Dirty Bananas

My husband has decided to be the monitor of all things food lately. Yesterday he said to our son, "Hey, why don't you eat a banana...they're starting to turn." To which my son replied, "No thanks Dad, I don't like dirty bananas." (Referencins of course the brown spots :) Gotta love it!

This boy had a great weekend...

The beach, the lake (lots of movement and sensory input), world of warcraft, guitar hero, xbox360, his favorite uncle, his family, no schedule, and sunny skies...for Brennan...it just doesn't get any better than that. For mom...his homework is done and he's all ready for school today.

The Effects of Bullying...

Today was day # 5 of school, my first email to the asst. principal (AP), and my son's first absence from school. He called me at 11:00 to be picked up due to his terrible back ache. (See number 2 in this previous post...) At first I was concerned that he had some bladder, kidney, boy part, I don't know what kind of injury from today's bullying event. After talking to him, I thought he was just shaken up and encouraged him to get through the day. Absences are very hard for him and he misses frequently due to various things. Therefore, I try to keep him there once he gets there. I told him to march directly across the hall to visit the AP to discuss the bullying thus far this year. He said, ok mom...and was off. At 2:00 the nurse called again. Brennan asked me to puleeeez pick him up, cuz his back, feet, ankles, etc. etc. were hurting to badly for him to finish the day. I had almost finished my work day and didn't have to be at my internship for 2 hours...so I went to pick him up. I had a 'comfort' conversation with him...letting him talk a lot...discussing what happened, reassuring him that he is fabulous and that I love him no matter what...during this conversation he said..."I love PE" followed by, "I hate PE"

The Mr and I have discussed taking him out of PE, but the socialization and physical activity is so necessary for him. After this week I am wondering if the risks outweigh the benefits. My son confirmed that he loves PE and all the activity...he loves that he feels more awake after all that movement...he loves being with regular kids...he hates bullies...he hates being hurt...he hates being humiliated...he hates being laughed at...at this point my heart breaks, I rub his soft hair, and tell him it's going to be ok. At this point, I wish I knew in my heart that it will be.

Bullying...will it ever end

I find myself a bit speechless when it comes to bullying. It frustrates me...it hurts my son...it establishes the survival of the fittest societal roles, and is just generally annoying. I must admit it has been so much better so far this year than last. However, it's still not ok.

I was given this checklist at a workshop I attended...
(There is no author to give credit to...sorry) but I found it very interesting...

What does bullying do to my health?

Bullying causes injury to health and makes you ill. How many of these symptoms do you have?

~constant high levels of stress and anxiety
~frequent illness such as viral infections especially flu and glandular fever, colds, coughs, chest, ear, nose and throat infections (stress plays havoc with your immune system)
~aches and pains in the joints and muscles with no obvious cause; also back pain with no obvious cause and which won't go away or respond to treatment
~headaches and migraines
~tiredness, exhaustion, constant fatigue
~sleeplessness, nightmares, waking early, waking up more tired than when you went to bed
~flashbacks and replays, obsessiveness, can't get the bullying out of your mind
~irritable bowel syndrome
~skin problems such as eczema, psoriasis, athlete's foot, ulcers, shingles, urticaria
~poor concentration
~bad or intermittently -functioning memory, forgetfulness
~sweating, trembling, shaking, palpitations, panic attacks
~tearfulness, bursting into tears regularly over trivial things
~uncharacteristic irritability and angry outbursts
~hyper vigilance (feels like but is not paranoia), being constantly on edge
~hypersensitivity, fragility, isolation, withdrawal
~reactive depression, a feeling of woebegoneness, lethargy, hopelessness, anger, futility and more
~shattered self-confidence, low self-worth, low self-esteem, loss of self-love, etc.

The ones listed in red are the effects my son regularly suffers from :( After yesterday's incident (see sidebar dated 8.26.08) he stated that every morning he's excited about school and by the time he gets home he wishes he was dead. That...is the ultimate effect of bullying.

Today...we shall have a conversation with the PE teacher.

Yes, I worship the counselor...

OK, not really, I only worship the Great JC, but clearly...after three days of fighting with the new overzealous case manager, and still not getting his schedule back to the pre-overzealous days...my son's guidance counselor returns from vacation today and magically switches his schedule back to how we made it a month ago. Amazing! The question remains as to how and why it was changed in the first place...AND...I ask you...SHOULD guidance counselors really be allowed to take a vacation the first week of school? Didn't you just have three months off? Just wondering...

And so it continues...

I was going to title this post 'and so it begins' like I have at the beginning of every other school year when the craziness starts. But after a bit of thought, I began to think that ...and so it continues is more appropriate. Here's the thing...I go into the counseling office...personally, as in...in person...to change and discuss my son's schedule this year. I do believe it is just about perfect...and he too is pleased (Which is quite a feat let me tell you...) Of course he comes home yesterday...with a 'new' schedule...and a note from his 'new' case manager that if I have any schedule questions I am to call her. Ummmm.....no. [pause]

Yesterday as my son went to 4 of his 7 classes he was told he wasn't on the class list. You see, changing his schedule isn't going to work for me... Remember the former post about bullying? well, now my son has 4 classes AND lunch with last year's bully. How could it get any better? Could they put his locker right next to the bully? Could they share a seat on the bus with the bully? Not if I can help it. So...I sent a little very kind email to my son's 'new' case manager last night...in my mind I wrote this...

Dear Dim Wit Case Manager,

Puleeeeeeeeez do not take it upon yourself to change my son's schedule. You see, I carried him for 9 months, birthed him, raised him, and protected him for the past 14 years. I do not appreciate people taking it upon themselves to 'undo' what I have done. In the future, if you are contemplating a change for my precious boy...you're gonna want to contact his slightly neurotic, overprotective mother first. Is that perfectly clear?

Ok, so I didn't write that in the email, but I was quite miffed that he had this extra stress on his first day. Really, was it necessary? If there was a problem, could they have contacted me first? I mean really, I'm on a first name basis with most of the staff...because I'm always so pleasant and definitely NOT a trouble maker ;)

So, checked my email this morning...nothin...I believe school opens in 32 minutes...guess who'll be on the phone...

Just curious...how do other Aspie parents handle these issues? I think I'm pretty well versed with the whole school process, but there are definitely challenges that remain...

Book Review for the Bullied...

An unfortunate part of having Asperger's is attending middle school. Middle school is wrought with bullies. Professional bullies and lots of them. I spent most of my natural life last school year addressing the bully situation at the middle school. The stealing of the pencils, the pulling out of the chair when my son goes to sit down, the flipping him off when the teacher's not looking, etc. etc. It's been quite lovely overall. NOT!

Anyway, so we sought some therapy for the boy last year on how to deal with these bullies effectively. Our therapist recommended this book... You can go to the website here. This fall the author is coming out with a do it yourself book to write your own story. There is also a sequel that I haven't read yet and a 3rd book coming out. This series is written with such humor and in cartoon form, yet the social stories included are relevant and really help Aspie's learn to deal with the bullying. I would highly recommend it! My son keeps asking me where is his book, and why is it always in my room? ;) Sorry son, I just couldn't help but finish it. This book is great for any child that is bullied...

On this sight I don't speak too much of having an Aspie for a sibling...however, it can be a challenge at best...for the Aspie sibling I recommend the book Rules by Cynthia Lord. It is written from the perspective of a middle school girl growing up with an autistic brother and how she teaches him social rules. It let's siblings of autistic children know they are not alone. In these last few days before school starts...it's good to get back on track with a good book...

The boy with the laughs...

My son has a carefree spirit this summer, which is new to him and new to me. The majority of his life includes a lot of worry, obstacles, obsessions, and anxiety. I have noticed a new found carefreeness (is that a word) about the boy this summer and I must say I like it. I hope it hangs around so he can just appreciate being and not worry so much. Two little tidbits for you today that just cracked me up...

So, y'all know that Brennan is really diggin tennis this year. The problem with that is when he's excited about something his mouth runs NON STOP. I as the mama am sure it would be even more disrupted if I yelled from the bleachers, "Hey Brennan, could you puleeeezzzzzeee be quiet?" So, I have sat quietly waiting for someone to tire of his mouth. Well, tire they did. Finally the coach said, Brennan, really if you don't be quiet you're going to have to run a lap...to which Brennan replied in true Aspie fashion, "Run a lap? You want me to run a lap? Just one? Because that's really no problem. Right before I got here I rode my bike around the block 13 times, to get rid of some energy, so one lap is nothing" and then he continued talking to his neighbor. I'm pretty sure that's not the response the coach was looking for.

I am REALLY the wimpiest mom of all time. I hardly ever say no, and my kids are quite indulged. SHOCKING?!? Isn't it?!? (Man I'm crackin myself up today) -- anyway, despite my overly kind and generous way with my children, they often find it necessary to point out to me exactly how mean I am. In my defense I've learned to respond, "Yes, I know I'm mean. I went to the mean school for mama's." So, today as usual Brennan was whining about some injustice that had come his way and of course I spouted off about the mean school for mama's, to which he replied..."there is no mean school for mama's I looked it up online and it doesn't exist." OMG!!! Gotta love the literal nature of Aspie's huh? Have I mentioned lately how much I love him?