The Effects of Bullying...

Today was day # 5 of school, my first email to the asst. principal (AP), and my son's first absence from school. He called me at 11:00 to be picked up due to his terrible back ache. (See number 2 in this previous post...) At first I was concerned that he had some bladder, kidney, boy part, I don't know what kind of injury from today's bullying event. After talking to him, I thought he was just shaken up and encouraged him to get through the day. Absences are very hard for him and he misses frequently due to various things. Therefore, I try to keep him there once he gets there. I told him to march directly across the hall to visit the AP to discuss the bullying thus far this year. He said, ok mom...and was off. At 2:00 the nurse called again. Brennan asked me to puleeeez pick him up, cuz his back, feet, ankles, etc. etc. were hurting to badly for him to finish the day. I had almost finished my work day and didn't have to be at my internship for 2 hours...so I went to pick him up. I had a 'comfort' conversation with him...letting him talk a lot...discussing what happened, reassuring him that he is fabulous and that I love him no matter what...during this conversation he said..."I love PE" followed by, "I hate PE"

The Mr and I have discussed taking him out of PE, but the socialization and physical activity is so necessary for him. After this week I am wondering if the risks outweigh the benefits. My son confirmed that he loves PE and all the activity...he loves that he feels more awake after all that movement...he loves being with regular kids...he hates bullies...he hates being hurt...he hates being humiliated...he hates being laughed at...at this point my heart breaks, I rub his soft hair, and tell him it's going to be ok. At this point, I wish I knew in my heart that it will be.

Bullying...will it ever end

I find myself a bit speechless when it comes to bullying. It frustrates me...it hurts my son...it establishes the survival of the fittest societal roles, and is just generally annoying. I must admit it has been so much better so far this year than last. However, it's still not ok.

I was given this checklist at a workshop I attended...
(There is no author to give credit to...sorry) but I found it very interesting...

What does bullying do to my health?

Bullying causes injury to health and makes you ill. How many of these symptoms do you have?

~constant high levels of stress and anxiety
~frequent illness such as viral infections especially flu and glandular fever, colds, coughs, chest, ear, nose and throat infections (stress plays havoc with your immune system)
~aches and pains in the joints and muscles with no obvious cause; also back pain with no obvious cause and which won't go away or respond to treatment
~headaches and migraines
~tiredness, exhaustion, constant fatigue
~sleeplessness, nightmares, waking early, waking up more tired than when you went to bed
~flashbacks and replays, obsessiveness, can't get the bullying out of your mind
~irritable bowel syndrome
~skin problems such as eczema, psoriasis, athlete's foot, ulcers, shingles, urticaria
~poor concentration
~bad or intermittently -functioning memory, forgetfulness
~sweating, trembling, shaking, palpitations, panic attacks
~tearfulness, bursting into tears regularly over trivial things
~uncharacteristic irritability and angry outbursts
~hyper vigilance (feels like but is not paranoia), being constantly on edge
~hypersensitivity, fragility, isolation, withdrawal
~reactive depression, a feeling of woebegoneness, lethargy, hopelessness, anger, futility and more
~shattered self-confidence, low self-worth, low self-esteem, loss of self-love, etc.

The ones listed in red are the effects my son regularly suffers from :( After yesterday's incident (see sidebar dated 8.26.08) he stated that every morning he's excited about school and by the time he gets home he wishes he was dead. That...is the ultimate effect of bullying.

Today...we shall have a conversation with the PE teacher.

Yes, I worship the counselor...

OK, not really, I only worship the Great JC, but clearly...after three days of fighting with the new overzealous case manager, and still not getting his schedule back to the pre-overzealous days...my son's guidance counselor returns from vacation today and magically switches his schedule back to how we made it a month ago. Amazing! The question remains as to how and why it was changed in the first place...AND...I ask you...SHOULD guidance counselors really be allowed to take a vacation the first week of school? Didn't you just have three months off? Just wondering...

And so it continues...

I was going to title this post 'and so it begins' like I have at the beginning of every other school year when the craziness starts. But after a bit of thought, I began to think that ...and so it continues is more appropriate. Here's the thing...I go into the counseling office...personally, as in...in person...to change and discuss my son's schedule this year. I do believe it is just about perfect...and he too is pleased (Which is quite a feat let me tell you...) Of course he comes home yesterday...with a 'new' schedule...and a note from his 'new' case manager that if I have any schedule questions I am to call her. Ummmm.....no. [pause]

Yesterday as my son went to 4 of his 7 classes he was told he wasn't on the class list. You see, changing his schedule isn't going to work for me... Remember the former post about bullying? well, now my son has 4 classes AND lunch with last year's bully. How could it get any better? Could they put his locker right next to the bully? Could they share a seat on the bus with the bully? Not if I can help it. So...I sent a little very kind email to my son's 'new' case manager last night...in my mind I wrote this...

Dear Dim Wit Case Manager,

Puleeeeeeeeez do not take it upon yourself to change my son's schedule. You see, I carried him for 9 months, birthed him, raised him, and protected him for the past 14 years. I do not appreciate people taking it upon themselves to 'undo' what I have done. In the future, if you are contemplating a change for my precious boy...you're gonna want to contact his slightly neurotic, overprotective mother first. Is that perfectly clear?

Ok, so I didn't write that in the email, but I was quite miffed that he had this extra stress on his first day. Really, was it necessary? If there was a problem, could they have contacted me first? I mean really, I'm on a first name basis with most of the staff...because I'm always so pleasant and definitely NOT a trouble maker ;)

So, checked my email this morning...nothin...I believe school opens in 32 minutes...guess who'll be on the phone...

Just curious...how do other Aspie parents handle these issues? I think I'm pretty well versed with the whole school process, but there are definitely challenges that remain...

Book Review for the Bullied...

An unfortunate part of having Asperger's is attending middle school. Middle school is wrought with bullies. Professional bullies and lots of them. I spent most of my natural life last school year addressing the bully situation at the middle school. The stealing of the pencils, the pulling out of the chair when my son goes to sit down, the flipping him off when the teacher's not looking, etc. etc. It's been quite lovely overall. NOT!

Anyway, so we sought some therapy for the boy last year on how to deal with these bullies effectively. Our therapist recommended this book... You can go to the website here. This fall the author is coming out with a do it yourself book to write your own story. There is also a sequel that I haven't read yet and a 3rd book coming out. This series is written with such humor and in cartoon form, yet the social stories included are relevant and really help Aspie's learn to deal with the bullying. I would highly recommend it! My son keeps asking me where is his book, and why is it always in my room? ;) Sorry son, I just couldn't help but finish it. This book is great for any child that is bullied...

On this sight I don't speak too much of having an Aspie for a sibling...however, it can be a challenge at best...for the Aspie sibling I recommend the book Rules by Cynthia Lord. It is written from the perspective of a middle school girl growing up with an autistic brother and how she teaches him social rules. It let's siblings of autistic children know they are not alone. In these last few days before school starts...it's good to get back on track with a good book...

The boy with the laughs...

My son has a carefree spirit this summer, which is new to him and new to me. The majority of his life includes a lot of worry, obstacles, obsessions, and anxiety. I have noticed a new found carefreeness (is that a word) about the boy this summer and I must say I like it. I hope it hangs around so he can just appreciate being and not worry so much. Two little tidbits for you today that just cracked me up...

So, y'all know that Brennan is really diggin tennis this year. The problem with that is when he's excited about something his mouth runs NON STOP. I as the mama am sure it would be even more disrupted if I yelled from the bleachers, "Hey Brennan, could you puleeeezzzzzeee be quiet?" So, I have sat quietly waiting for someone to tire of his mouth. Well, tire they did. Finally the coach said, Brennan, really if you don't be quiet you're going to have to run a lap...to which Brennan replied in true Aspie fashion, "Run a lap? You want me to run a lap? Just one? Because that's really no problem. Right before I got here I rode my bike around the block 13 times, to get rid of some energy, so one lap is nothing" and then he continued talking to his neighbor. I'm pretty sure that's not the response the coach was looking for.

I am REALLY the wimpiest mom of all time. I hardly ever say no, and my kids are quite indulged. SHOCKING?!? Isn't it?!? (Man I'm crackin myself up today) -- anyway, despite my overly kind and generous way with my children, they often find it necessary to point out to me exactly how mean I am. In my defense I've learned to respond, "Yes, I know I'm mean. I went to the mean school for mama's." So, today as usual Brennan was whining about some injustice that had come his way and of course I spouted off about the mean school for mama's, to which he replied..."there is no mean school for mama's I looked it up online and it doesn't exist." OMG!!! Gotta love the literal nature of Aspie's huh? Have I mentioned lately how much I love him?

A Mother's Intuition...

Emergency training is tough at times for Aspies...if everything doesn't go as planned then what do you do? Case in point...my son went to a Pokemon pre-release tournament yesterday. He counted down the days to the big event...making sure he'd have funding available, made sure he had all his equipment, and made sure all the items on his hygiene list were done, so he would be able to go. The only thing he didn't do was charge his cell phone. We dropped him off at noon and went about our way. About 5:00 I thought he should perhaps be done, and started trying to call/text him. Nothing...just the voice mail. I took the big girl to the mall and ran a few errands. 7:00 still nothing...about 7:30 I thought I'd better go to the book store to read, but then I thought gee...even if he's having a great time...I'm sure he's starving...I better go there, check on him, and offer to get him some dinner. (Brennan will often lose track of time and play so long that he comes home with pounding headaches from not eating.) As I pulled up to the comic store, I saw him standing outside and I saw the store lights were off. "Mom!", he said with desperation, "Where have you been? I've been waiting two hours!" *SIGH "Honey, why didn't you call me? I tried to call you and didn't get an answer." "I didn't charge my phone mom, it was dead and the phone at the store wasn't working." "I knew my address Mom, but no body knew where I lived so no one took me." (Insert grateful sigh of relief here.) So...I patiently went over with Brennan what to do if you are stranded... Brennan, was there anyone there that you knew? Yes? Did you ask to borrow their phone for 1 minute to call me? You didn't? You should have....Did you have any money? You did? Then you need to use a pay phone to call me if you can't borrow anyone's phone. Brennan? You never ever ask strangers for rides home, never. You only find a way to call Mom. Let's look around here and see the different places you could have gone to use a phone....here, here, and here. OK? Now...repeat back to me what I just said. OK, good. What is my phone #? What is Dad's phone #? OK...you need to remember these things Brennan they're very important, ok? To which he replied, "I love you Mom, can you get me something to eat?" Hopefully a bit of that sank in and that won't happen again. He was overall very excited because people were 'nice' to him...(that's his reliable way to judge a good day or bad day...) he got a new deck, four packs and traded for some terrific cards...at least that's what he tells me. For me it was a good day because he came home with his head held high and not crushed by anyone else's personal attacks. For his sake...I hope it was a learning day as well.

The Star of the Blog

My sonshine started tennis yesterday...and did quite well. Many Aspie's suffer from low muscle tone, coordination difficulties and sensory problems that can make sports a non option in their lives. Over the course of Brennan's life, he tried soccer...in which he loved being the goalie, as long as goalies could sit down, play with dandelions, and yell hi mom every once in a while. He tried baseball...he actually did pretty well here, but he hated it and every game and practice was a fight to get him to go and once we got there to get him to stay. He tried basketball too and made great strides in his game. The problem with basketball is, the kids were VERY competitive and VERY relentless when letting a less than athletic kid try to learn the game. He had a high school kid for an assistant coach who took him under his wing and actually taught him how to shoot. That was nice. The coach however, lost interest in him after about 4 nanoseconds. Too bad coaches can't have some lessons in accepting all children at all levels. (Sorry to generalize here...Brennan had a great baseball coach, who whenever I see him, I still admire all that he did for my son and how he accepted him as he was.) Then he tried swimming...and experienced a lot of success here, in fact he completed all levels, is a great swimmer and will get his life guarding certificate next summer. He tires quickly while swimming, but participates without too much complaining and underneath, I think he likes it. We are so fortunate that our park district has extensive services for kids with special needs. Finally tennis...he started tennis last year for the first time. Ummmm....did I mention that Aspie's often have severe fears....like that of rain, wind, and thunderstorms? Brennan has a terrible fear of storms. In comes tennis...it is THE most fair weather sport of em all...if there's a chance of rain...they say no lessons! Ahhhhhhh....this is the sport for my boy! He is learning all of the appropriate 'tennis moves' and is doing quite well really. He currently has a collapsed arch in one of his feet that causes him a lot of pain when he's running on it...looking for a surgical fix for that one soon, however...currently he loves tennis!




I as the mama love to see him outside, chatting happily with new found friends and not experiencing any discouragement. That is a joy of summer.

Infancy

Welcome to blog #2...this blog is purely in it's infancy stage...This blog however, has a specific purpose...to blog about aspies...in general and my aspie in particular. If you don't know what an aspie is...it's a person, that has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (more on that later) -- Stay tuned...